All rules
Every hint has a rule, and every rule is here. The list is generated at build time from the same rule set that checks your sentences — so it cannot go stale.
41 rules in this language
Every rule belongs to a group with a reason and a source. The weights: “Leads into defence” breaks the doctrine of the layer; “Weakens your point” still works, but less; “Note” is an offer. Rewrites happen only where the grammar allows it safely — everything else is asked, not guessed.
Generalisations
Background: Thinking traps (CBT): overgeneralising · more
Why it counts: Generalisations cannot be checked, and they invite a counter-example. One exception ("I was on time last week") turns the whole conversation into an argument about whether "always" is true — instead of the one incident you actually wanted to talk about.
“…” is a generalisation.
When did you last notice it? Name that one occasion.
Example sentence: “You are always late”
gen-always“…” is a generalisation.
Was there one situation where you missed it? Describe that one.
Triggers on: never · not once · not a single time
Example sentence: “You never listen to me”
gen-never“…” claims a pattern instead of an incident.
Which single incident stands for it? Take that one.
Triggers on: every time · each time · every single time · all the time
Example sentence: “Every time it is the same”
gen-everytime“…” calls up the history, not this occasion.
Leave the history out of the opening. What happened this time?
Triggers on: again · yet again · once again · typical · as usual · same old
Example sentence: “You did it again”
gen-again
Labels
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: observing without evaluating · more
Why it counts: Adjectives describe the person, not the behaviour. The other side cannot defend a behaviour they were never told about — so they defend themselves against the label instead. Now you are negotiating their character rather than the matter at hand.
“…” judges the person, not the behaviour.
Which behaviour led you to that assessment?
Example sentence: “You are unreliable”
Suggestions: the commitment made on Tuesday was not kept · the file arrived two days after the agreed date · my follow-up got no answer
attr-unreliable“…” is a judgement, not observable behaviour.
What exactly was said or done?
Triggers on: rude · disrespectful · inconsiderate · dismissive · condescending · patronising · patronizing
Example sentence: “That was rude”
Suggestions: I was interrupted twice in the meeting · my proposal was passed over without a question · the reply came in front of everyone
attr-respect“…” assigns a motive to the person.
Describe what happened, not why you think they did it.
Example sentence: “You are selfish”
Suggestions: the decision was made without asking me · the plan was changed after we had agreed on it
attr-egoistic“…” labels the person instead of the situation.
What was left undone, and by when had you expected it?
Triggers on: lazy · useless · incompetent · hopeless · clueless
Example sentence: “You are lazy”
Suggestions: the report was due Thursday and is still open · the question I asked on Monday is unanswered
attr-lazy“…” describes the person, not what happened.
What did they actually do? Name the action, not the adjective.
Example sentence: “You are being difficult”
attr-being
Mind reading
Background: Thinking traps (CBT): mind reading · more
Why it counts: Stating someone else's motive tells them you have already decided. Whatever they say next can only be a denial, and a denial is not a conversation. The motive is the one thing you cannot observe.
“…” imputes an intention.
You cannot see intent. What did you observe?
Example sentence: “You did it on purpose”
mind-onpurpose“…” speaks for the other person.
Let them say what they think. What did you see or hear?
Example sentence: “You think I am overreacting”
mind-youthink“…” claims to know what goes on inside them.
Which behaviour gave you that impression?
Example sentence: “You don't care about this”
mind-dontcare
Escalators
Background: Thinking traps (CBT): catastrophising
Why it counts: Superlatives raise the stakes before the first sentence is finished. They also make the claim easy to dismiss: nobody has ever done the worst possible thing, so the reply is about the exaggeration.
“…” raises the stakes before the topic is on the table.
Say it one notch lower. What happened, plainly put?
Triggers on: the worst · unbearable · outrageous · disgraceful · appalling · a disaster
Example sentence: “That is outrageous”
esc-worst“…” overstates and invites a fight about the word.
Would it still be true without the intensifier?
Example sentence: “That is totally unacceptable”
esc-absolutes
Yes, but
Background: Stone, Patton & Heen: “and”, not “but”
Why it counts: After an acknowledgement, "but" takes it back. Only what follows is heard, and the acknowledgement sounds like a run-up. With "and" both halves stand: your view counts, and so does mine.
After an acknowledgement, “but” takes it back.
Try “and”: “I know you had a lot on, and the input was due on Thursday.”
Example sentence: “I know you had a lot on, but the input only arrived on Friday.”
but-after-ack
Why questions
Background: Thomas Gordon and motivational interviewing: open questions (practice wisdom)
Why it counts: A why-question asks for a justification. The other person starts looking for reasons they can defend instead of telling you what was going on. "What happened?" asks the same and invites the story.
“…” asks for a justification.
Ask instead: “What happened?” or “How did it come to that?”
Example sentence: “Why didn't you tell me?”
why-you
Apologising for asking
Background: Assertiveness training: asking without apologising for it
Why it counts: Apologising for raising something at all tells the other person your concern doesn't really count. You're allowed to ask. An apology for something you did is different — that one stays.
“…” apologises for the concern itself.
You're allowed to ask. Drop the apology and say what it's about.
Example sentence: “Sorry to bother you, but the list is still missing.”
apology-for-asking
Speaking for everyone
Background: Ruth Cohn: speak for yourself, say “I” · more
Why it counts: "Everyone thinks so" brings in backup that isn't in the room. The other person can't talk to an invisible majority — only to you. And your own impression is reason enough for the conversation.
“…” speaks for others instead of for you.
Say “I”: what did you see, what matters to you?
Example sentence: “Everyone thinks this isn't working.”
speak-everyone
Contempt markers
Background: John Gottman: contempt · more
Why it counts: Sarcasm and eye-rolling land faster than any argument — as a put-down. Of all the patterns that tip a conversation, contempt is the one the other side reacts to most strongly.
“…” will be heard as sarcasm.
Say what happened, without the irony. Sarcasm puts people on the defensive.
Example sentence: “Oh great, the list is missing.”
contempt-markers
Monologue
Background: Thomas Gordon: speaking and listening in turns
Why it counts: A long paragraph is a speech, not an opening. The more comes in one go, the more points the other person can hook into — and the less they hear the one that matters.
… words in one go — that is already a small speech.
Say one thing, then listen. Which single sentence has to be here?
Checks the length: more than 50 words
Example sentence: “On Tuesday the input was due at noon, and I waited for it all morning, then I asked, then nothing came back, then I had to put the client off, and on Friday the file finally arrived, but by then the meeting had moved and half the week was gone and I had to replan everything from scratch.”
monologue-long
You-messages
Background: Thomas Gordon, I-messages · more
Why it counts: "You make me angry" asserts a cause, and a cause can be denied. "I get angry" describes what actually happened and cannot be argued with. The sentence gets weaker as a claim and stronger in effect.
“…” makes the other person the cause of your feeling.
The reaction is yours. Put it in the I-form.
Example sentence: “You make me angry”
Rewritten where the grammar allows it
you-make-me“…” hands the responsibility for your feeling across.
Say what you felt, without making them the author of it.
Example sentence: “You made me feel small”
Rewritten where the grammar allows it
you-made-me-feel“…” assigns the effect to the other person.
Describe how it landed with you.
Example sentence: “You ignored me”
Rewritten where the grammar allows it
you-hurt-me“…” names a culprit instead of a reaction.
Leave the cause out for the opening. What is going on with you?
Example sentence: “Because of you I could not sleep”
because-of-you
Pseudo-I-messages
Background: Thomas Gordon, I-messages · more
Why it counts: "I feel that you are unfair" is an I-statement in grammar only. What follows "I feel" is a judgement about the other person, and it will be heard as one — with the extra irritation of being dressed up.
“…” is a judgement in the shape of a feeling.
What is the feeling itself? One word is enough.
Example sentence: “I feel that you do not care”
pseudo-feel-that
Interpretations instead of feelings
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: feeling or interpretation · more
Why it counts: "I feel ignored" isn't wrong — it just says more about the other person than about you: what you think they did. The feeling underneath (hurt, sad, angry) is harder to argue with and easier to hear. Both may stay.
“…” — that says what you think they did.
What do you feel underneath — hurt, sad, angry?
Example sentence: “I feel ignored”
pseudo-feel-adverb
Blame framing
Background: John Gottman: gentle start-up · more
Why it counts: A sentence that opens with the other person's failure has already chosen its subject. Whatever comes after it is heard as the charge sheet, not as your experience.
“…” turns your reaction into their record.
Start with yourself. What did this one occasion do to you?
Example sentence: “You never tell me”
blame-you-always-me“…” argues about a past that cannot be changed.
What is true now? Say that instead.
Example sentence: “If you had just asked me”
blame-if-you-had
Missing feeling
Background: Thomas Gordon, I-messages · more
Why it counts: Without a feeling, this layer says nothing the other side could not have worked out themselves. The feeling is the part that is yours and that nobody can dispute — leaving it out gives away the only thing that makes the sentence unarguable.
There is no feeling here yet.
What was the feeling? One word is enough.
Checks whether something is missing
Example sentence: “It happened on Tuesday and I replanned my day”
feel-missing
Negative requests
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: positive action language
Why it counts: "Stop interrupting me" says what should end, not what should happen. The other side is left to guess the replacement — and will guess something you did not mean. A request that names no action cannot be agreed to, only submitted to.
“…” says what should end, not what should happen.
What should they do instead?
Example sentence: “Stop interrupting me”
Suggestions: let me finish before you reply · tell me by Thursday whether it works
neg-stop“…” is a prohibition, not a request.
Turn it around: what do you want to happen?
Example sentence: “Don't interrupt me”
neg-dont“…” closes a door without opening one.
Name the behaviour you do want, in one sentence.
Triggers on: no more · never again · not any more · not anymore
Example sentence: “No more surprises”
neg-nomore
Vague requests
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: a concrete, checkable request
Why it counts: "Show more respect" cannot be met, because nobody knows what would count. Both of you will believe you were reasonable, and neither will be able to point at anything.
“…” cannot be checked afterwards.
What would that look like, concretely, next week?
Example sentence: “I want more respect”
Suggestions: tell me by Thursday noon whether the work is coming · ask me before you decide about my part
vague-more“…” leaves the time open, so nothing is agreed.
By when? A date makes the request checkable.
Triggers on: somehow · at some point · sometime · eventually · when you can · whenever
Example sentence: “Get back to me at some point”
vague-somehow“…” asks for a different person, not a different action.
Which single action would you like to see?
Example sentence: “Just be better”
vague-better
Demands
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: request, not demand
Why it counts: A demand leaves no room to say yes. Where there is no room to agree, what you get is compliance or refusal — and both cost more than the thing you asked for.
“…” is a demand, not a request.
Would it still carry as a request? Try “I would like you to …”.
Example sentence: “You must tell me first”
dem-must“…” sets a pace the other side cannot negotiate.
Is the urgency real? If so, say why — otherwise name a date.
Triggers on: immediately · right now · at once · from now on · as of today
Example sentence: “I want that from now on”
dem-immediately
Threats
Background: Friedrich Glasl: threats as a stage of escalation · more
Why it counts: A threat ends the conversation and starts a negotiation about power. Whatever you wanted is no longer on the table; what is on the table is whether you meant it.
“…” is a threat.
What do you actually want? A consequence belongs later, if at all.
Example sentence: “Do it, or else”
threat-otherwise“…” threatens instead of asking.
Say the request plainly. The pressure is doing the opposite of what you want.
Example sentence: “There will be consequences”
threat-consequences
Dissolving softeners
Background: Assertiveness training: a request may be clear
Why it counts: A little hedging is polite. Too much of it dissolves the request: if you only "kind of maybe" want something, the other side is entitled to hear that it does not matter.
“…” hedges so far that the request disappears.
Say it once, plainly. Politeness survives that.
Example sentence: “Maybe you could possibly help”
soft-stack
Missing action
Background: Marshall B. Rosenberg: a concrete, checkable request
Why it counts: Without a verb there is nothing to do. A sentence that names a wish but no action leaves both of you with a feeling instead of an agreement.
There is no action here yet.
What exactly should the other person do? A verb makes the request checkable.
Checks whether something is missing
Example sentence: “More respect from your side”
req-missing-verb