What to say when you get the silent treatment
In short
Say once, calmly, that you notice the silence and are ready to talk, ask when they will be ready, and then stop chasing — and if silence is used to punish you, that is not something you can talk your way out of.
Silence after an argument can mean many things. Some people need hours to calm down before they can talk; others go quiet because they do not know what to say. And for some, silence is a way to punish: days without a word until the other person gives in.
From the inside it all feels the same: you are shut out and do not know what is going on. This page is about what you can say during the silence, after it, and instead of it, if you are the one who tends to go quiet.
Why does the silent treatment hurt so much?
Being ignored by someone close cuts you off from the very person you would normally turn to. You cannot argue, apologise or explain, because nothing comes back. Many people find it harder to bear than a loud fight, since a fight at least means contact. The psychologist Kipling D. Williams, who has studied ostracism for decades (Ostracism: The Power of Silence, 2001), describes being ignored as painful in its own right, not only as the absence of something.
What to say during the silent treatment
Say one short thing that keeps the door open, without pressure and without blame: "I notice we haven't spoken since Sunday. I'd like to talk when you're ready. Can you tell me roughly when that might be?" Then give it room. Ten messages in a row turn a pause into a chase and make it harder for the other person to come back.
What to say after the silent treatment
When the silence ends, relief makes it tempting to act as if nothing happened. But the original argument is still there, and so is the silence itself. Raise both, gently, later that day or the next: first the topic you were arguing about, then how the days of silence were for you, and what you would like next time.
What to say instead of the silent treatment
If you are the one who goes quiet, you may simply need time. That is fine, as long as the other person knows it is a pause and not a punishment. Say it: "I'm too angry to talk well right now. I need an hour, and then I'll come back to you." In John Gottman's research on couples, shutting down without a word is called stonewalling, one of the four habits that harm relationships most; the alternative he recommends is a break of at least twenty minutes, used to calm down rather than to rehearse the argument, with an agreed time to come back.
Silent treatment in a relationship: when silence becomes control
Silence that lasts days or weeks, that comes back whenever you disagree, that only ends when you apologise or give in, and that leaves you afraid of the next round, is not a communication problem. It is a way of controlling the relationship, and no well-chosen sentence on your side will fix it. You do not need to diagnose the other person to take it seriously. Talk to someone you trust, consider counselling for yourself, and use the helplines further down this page, especially if the silence comes with threats, checking up on you or cutting you off from other people. If you are in danger, call the police.
Why it often goes wrong
"So now you're ignoring me again? Typical. You're being so childish."
"Again" and "typical" turn this silence into a charge about a pattern, and "childish" is a label. If the other person was close to talking, this pushes them further away.
It also hides your hurt. What you mean is "I miss you and this scares me"; what they hear is an attack.
How to open
Each opening has four parts: what happened, how it leaves you, what matters to you, what you are asking for. Take the one that suits you and put in your own details.
During the silence
- Observation
- Since our argument on Sunday evening we have not spoken, and my two messages are unanswered.
- Feeling
- I feel sad and uneasy.
- Need
- I need to know where we stand.
- Request
- Could you tell me when talking would work for you, even if it is not today?
After the silence
- Observation
- For three days after Sunday we barely spoke, and since this morning we have been talking normally.
- Feeling
- I am relieved, and I am still hurt.
- Need
- It matters to me that we sort things out between us.
- Request
- Could we sit down tonight and talk about Sunday and the days after it?
Instead of going silent
- Observation
- We have been arguing for an hour, and I notice I am getting louder.
- Feeling
- I am overwhelmed and angry.
- Need
- I need a break so that I don't say things I regret.
- Request
- Let's pause for thirty minutes. I will come back to you at eight, and then I would like us to carry on.
Before you bring it up
- One message is enough. Say you are ready to talk and leave it there for a while.
- Do not apologise for things you did not do just to end the silence. It teaches both of you that silence works.
- Use the time for yourself: call a friend, go for a walk, sleep. Waiting by the phone makes the silence bigger.
- When you do talk, start with how it was for you, not with a verdict on the silence.
When they answer
- They say I just needed space.
- You That's okay. Next time, could you tell me it's a pause and when you'll be back? Then I can wait more calmly.
- They say There's nothing to talk about.
- You For me there is. I'd like to talk about Sunday when you're ready.
- They say You're overreacting, it was only a day.
- You For me it was a hard day. I'm telling you so you know how it lands.
- They say (more silence)
- You I'll leave it for now. I'm here when you want to talk.
Typical mistakes when you get the silent treatment
- Sending message after message. The more you chase, the more the silence becomes a power game.
- Giving in or apologising just to end it.
- Punishing back with a silence of your own.
- Acting as if nothing happened once it is over.
- Explaining away long, repeated silences as "just how they are" when they leave you afraid.
Practice task: one message, then a plan
- Write one calm message that says you notice the silence and are ready to talk.
- Decide what you will do for yourself while you wait.
- Write the first sentence for the conversation afterwards, starting with your feeling; the feelings and needs list helps.
- If you are the one who goes quiet, write your pause sentence with a time in it, keep it where you will see it, and practise it.
If you are afraid of how they will react
Then preparing a conversation isn't the right path – your safety comes first, and a confrontation can be dangerous. Help, free and confidential:
- International: findahelpline.com (domestic violence lines by country)
- Germany: 116 016 (women, 24/7, also in English) · 0800 1239900 (men, Mon–Thu 8am–8pm, Fri 8am–3pm)
- UK: 0808 2000 247 (24/7) · USA: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7)
- Emergency: 112 (Europe) · 911 (North America)
Try it on your own sentence
Write the first sentence you would say. The simulator’s rules read along and show which words put the other person on the defensive.
No sentence yet. The flagged words and the question to ask yourself appear here.
Three steps, your sentence comes along. No account, nothing stored.
Frequently asked questions
What do you say when someone gives you the silent treatment?
Say once, calmly, that you notice the silence and that you are ready to talk when they are, and ask when that might be. Then give them room. Repeated messages or accusations usually make the silence longer.
What do you say to break the silent treatment?
You cannot force it to end, but you can make coming back easy: a short, warm message without blame, and an offer to talk at a specific time. If the silence only ends when you give in, that pattern is worth talking through with someone outside the relationship.
Is the silent treatment abuse?
A pause to calm down is not. Silence that is used again and again to punish, lasts for days and leaves you afraid or giving in is a form of control and can be part of emotional abuse. A helpline can help you sort out what you are experiencing; you do not need to be sure first.
Why does the silent treatment hurt so much?
Because it cuts you off from someone close, and there is nothing to answer. Research on ostracism describes being ignored as painful in its own right, and not knowing when it will end adds to it.
What should I do after the silent treatment ends?
Talk about it the same day or the next, calmly. Start with the original issue, then say how the silence was for you and what you would like next time, for example a pause with a time attached.
The four steps of observation, feeling, need and request are based on the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org). This site is not run by a CNVC-certified trainer.